There are, unbelievably, men who continue to live life as if they’re in a 1970s sitcom, slipping out of the house and disappearing to the pub when their child starts crying. The truth is that there are plenty of things all fathers can do that are of huge help to a shattered partner and a helpless child. In terms of basic things to do with the baby, these might include:

• changing nappies

• burping the baby (it’s easy, and it can be the start of an important bonding session between you)

• rocking baby to sleep (important because, unlike your breastfeeding partner, you won’t smell of milk and so won’t have a fully-fed baby demanding more)

• reading stories (baby won’t understand a thing, but it’s important to introduce the concept early)

• keeping baby occupied through play (you’re the FUN parent, remember)

• talking to baby (they can’t talk back but it gets her familiar with grammar and vocabulary).

Even if the whole baby thing is getting you down, the following easy tasks might provide light relief:

• doing the washing up

• cooking food for your partner and child

• loading up the washing machine and hanging the clean clothes out

• tidying the house now and then

• doing the shopping

• waiting on your partner, hand and foot.

You can’t give birth and you can’t breastfeed. There, you’ve lost the two key trump cards in any argument with your wife. You can, however, change nappies. This is truly a man’s realm.

Finally, a warning…

“Nobody will ever tell you this,” a new father friend whispered to me, shortly before the birth of my first child. “But just remember – the first few weeks are ABSOLUTE HELL. Prepare yourself for total madness and it won’t seem so bad.”

It was the best advice any expectant father could have. The truth is that those first few weeks and months are hell. Your home will look like a bomb site. You’ll be surrounded by piles of dirty nappies, filthy clothes and mountains of washing up. You’ll be woken up throughout the night by ear-splitting baby cries. You feel as if you’ll never get a decent night’s sleep again. Suddenly, the boring job that you’ve wanted to quit for years seems like bliss!!